It's been 27 years years, 3 very short-lived relationships and very long-ended, long un-mended relationships, and every time...I lose a little bit more courage to let my guard down, for fear of being hurt. Instead of building myself up to be stronger than I currently am, I build the walls to protect myself from anymore heartache.
I've said yes by remaining silent to a question. I've said yes by assuming more than he said with his lack of actions. I've also believed in his sweet nothings, rather than watching his actions. I've been too young, or too ready or too naive...As easy as I am to be a friend, I don't open the doors to my heart very easily if someone wants to be more than that.
It's weird, some say...that I've remained single for so long...I don't know why it has been so...but a large part has NOT been because many guys have knocked on my door and I've been fussy and said no. If anything, I've always felt bad for the guy. For some odd reason, it pains me to see rejection...especially if that source is from me...So if you find yourself knocking on my door for some reason, and nobody's home...please just know...she's either sleeping, waiting to see who's there, or...she's building some courage to open her door. I pray that either she or him, will have enough wisdom to know the difference.
A few months ago, after my heart was shattered into pieces. The person who now has no face, made me realise something so important:
When you're going nowhere, nobody comes to find you. When you're going somewhere, there will always be someone coming to find you.
This has been the case for me every time...And each time it was a great learning experience for me. A lesson in love, a lesson in who they are, and most importantly...a lesson in who I am. I maintain that I am probably not the girlfriend that every guy wants, but probably the wife that some guys would love to have...What an odd contradiction. Just know, that if you find me...be prepared to be my friend first, lest I run for the hills, or kick you in the nuts.
Why does this post pain me so much? I don't know...I have a few possible answers...
1. Matters of the Heart are so personal, it feels like I'm stripping in front of the eyes world
2. When I've declared what my heart's desire is...and what presents itself, may not bring me happiness...Will I take responsibility for my words? After all...I am a woman...despite my intentions, my nature changes like the weather.
3. I am not for the feint-hearted. This post will most likely scare off many guys...especially the ones that are not serious about committing to love and happiness...especially the ones who want to own love, and accessorize their arms with a new toy.
4. I fear the thing that I want the most. An amazing love, that will move me to tears. I fear that I will get what I wish for. I believe I deserve love, and I do not settle for anything less!
I would like to declare:
1. I am not afraid anymore! I have walls...but they are there to protect me from the guys who aren't willing to put in the time and the effort to appreciate me. I am not saying that I am perfect, because no one is. All I am saying is, that if you've expressed a desire to woo, at least follow through! What hurts me most...is half-halfheartedness...It hurts me, when logistics become the nature of my relationship. It hurts me when all that happens is a one sided conversation. It hurts me when you are not yourself. It hurts me when either party holds on too tightly or too loosely. So whoever you are out there...Be prepared.
2. I am a woman. Although my nature is unstable, and emotional...I am true in all my dealings. I always aim to avoid harm, if I am involved in choosing. I am a believer in laws, in honour and integrity. I have been told that I may be perceived to be a fragile flower, but...I wear it with so much strength! I believe that it is true. I have been also told that there is beauty in me...Outside and In. I hope that holds true...until the day I meet the end of my season.
3. I am a warrior! Although I may be as a fragile flower, I am strong for the people I love. I know who I am, and what I am here for. And if you stop me from fulfilling my purpose, God has already promised a very tough time for you...so take heart! I will not be enacting vengeance, because that is not my place...Just be warned.
4. I am a believer. Of fairy tales. Of creating your own story. Of romance. Of...happy endings...Of...the innate good nature of each life form, despite the consequences of their actions. Do not quote me on this though without taking into context of this quote. So I reserve all Rights. I am a firm believer of good intentions, but with great wisdom.
5. I am a leader. I lead and I create my life. I inspire myself, and hopefully others, on a daily basis. I am passionate about success, and adding value. I teach what I love and I love what I teach. I love making a difference. I am grounded in value.
Who am I looking for?
1. A believer. Of possibilities, of Truth, of the law, of beauty, of himself and of me
2. A protector. Of truth, of His love, respect, time, of his dream, and of me
3. A leader. Of his own life, his own direction, his own purpose, of people in his life....and sometimes, of me
4. A driver. Of his future, of his family and his outlook.
5. A warrior. Of his ground, i.e. his beliefs and values, His honour and mine, of...his purpose.
6. A teacher. Of his wisdoms, his talents, in patience and love.
And above all else, he acts with integrity.
When....
This I don't know. I wanted to give myself a year...but I am fully aware, I cannot control who I meet, and whether my conditions are reasonable. I believe that when I am ready, he will appear. If not, if he is who he is...he will still be there, when I become ready. I am not asking him to wait, because that is not fair. ON me nor on him.
All I am asking is that he just be him. If he tries to be anyone else...I will know...and it will be very hard for me to appreciate him. So take heart. I don't need a man who can prove himself to be the best, but a man who can meet the strength of his words, and honour the life of his virtues. I want a ordinary man, with extraordinary dreams - however small or big. He must just be inspired to pursue them with all his heart, all his mind and all his soul...and realise where I fall in his life, if I do.
NOTE: That I take responsibility of my choices. That is why...I don't let others FORCE people into my life. If they can't die for me, I refuse to let them live for me. Thank you for sharing though ;).
Also, if I am not a Happy Person, I cannot give you Happiness. and vice versa :).
So in Opening: ...let the "Hunger Games begin! May the odds ever be in your favour!"
Yours in Heart
Donna
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Fear of Falling
Katherine Jenkins
On the list of hearts that have been broken,
It's not hard to find a place that bears my name.
So I learned to leave every door unopened,
Certain all I'd find was just more of the same.
It's not hard to find a place that bears my name.
So I learned to leave every door unopened,
Certain all I'd find was just more of the same.
I just lived my life,
Turned days to night,
But I didn't count on you.
Turned days to night,
But I didn't count on you.
Now my fear of falling,
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Holding nothing back now,
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am.
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am.
For so long there was no hope to believe in,
Washed away with every tear I cried.
But now my dreams are wide awake and breathing,
And I'm letting out all that I held inside.
Washed away with every tear I cried.
But now my dreams are wide awake and breathing,
And I'm letting out all that I held inside.
Now my fear of falling,
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Holding nothing back now,
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am.
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am.
Now my fear of falling,
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Is nowhere in me calling,
Telling me to run while I still can.
Holding nothing back now,
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am
Seems I have at last found,
Love that makes me want to give you all I am
Read more: Katherine Jenkins - Fear Of Falling Lyrics | MetroLyrics
And this... Is me letting go, Thank You to @Beriov for sharing this on Twitter on such an apt moment for me :)
http://www.ethanhein.com/wp/2014/why-is-let-it-go-such-a-big-deal/?utm_content=bufferb514b&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
Ps. I keep editing this because I keep finding more messages relevant to me! Thank you Harv, for posting this on Facebook :). I will commit.
I, Donna Chiang, hereby commit to living my purpose, being open to see the possibilities in others, and ....devote myself to loving myself, to finding love and beauty, letting him find me and settling for nothing less! I will live my best life, until my season is over. Amen! A-Ho! A-Ho! A-Ho!
IMPi!! I am a warrior! I never give up! Aaaah-Ho!
#theWaysOfEnlightenedWarriors
