It's also easier to be honest with someone other than yourself. Especially so when you confuse yourself with all the things you think you should be with who you are, what you should be feeling with what you are feeling, what people expect of you versus what you expect of yourself, what you're good at versus what actually livens you. I suppose the reason why knowing yourself is the toughest thing to do is that you exist more in your head than in real life.
After a very honest, profound and inspiring conversation with Willem today, I had some important realisations:
- I'm often in my own way. I don't ask for help when I need it the most. I want to help other people, but the only way I can help other people is by helping myself first. He demonstrated how simple it is to ask, and you don't lose anything from it. If I'm not happy, inspired, energised, alive...how am I supposed to positively impact another person's life? The only person I can change is myself. I am responsible for the energy I bring. Neither can I help someone else, if I'm broke, or floundering for a lifeline.
- I'm a bit of a masochist. It's an odd thing to say...but some way some how...I usually find my way back to things that do not bring me any joy...for "practical reasons". I beat myself up about things that distract me from what I'm supposed to be doing. Its a bitter pill to swallow when you discover what you've worked nearly your whole life for does not bring you any bit of joy. On the other hand, it is liberating when you realise that, and you let it go. When you've killed the option of going back to your old unhappy ways, you're forced to go into unknown territory. Better the quest than the safe sad little wheel, right? "You cannot solve your new problems with your old ways," he said.
- I'm very much attached to the image of always doing the right thing, saying the right thing, being socially acceptable. After all, I belong to a profession that prides itself in quality and correctness. I also hate "losing face". Its a term in Asian culture, losing face is the equivalent to being embarrassed, and having no place to hide your face. I know that having people see an unformed substance has always been uncomfortable feeling for me. I always have to "have it together". I've subsequently been drowning in the thoughts of finding my purpose, and doing the "right" thing that I've paralysed myself. For fear of doing the wrong thing, I haven't embraced the fun part of just doing and discovering.
I'm still young. I don't know it all. I'm okay with failing as long as I'm having fun.
So I'm done with thinking about stuff now. I'm ready to do and sell some sh*t.
Lose my mind. Lose my face!
I start with my homework, and I commit to inasmuch as possible to do things that are not harmful to my own esteem.
Thank you Mr Gous for meeting me today :). Looking forward to working with you in the future.
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